The past few days I've been very sad...feeling alone, not lonely - there seems to be a difference - I've wondered if my husband has any idea of what life is like for me, if he knows that I don't know what I'm doing, how I question everything, I wonder what my future will be now that he is not with me, does he know that sometimes I don't want to be here without him?
A continuous stream of thoughts that usually make me feel even more sure that I'm way beyond the left side of the curve that I've spent most of my life sailing on.
The sun was shining and the sky was a crystal clear blue, the air was crisp and there was a slight breeze, perfect weather. I was driving to Westport (7:00 AM) kind of zoned out and the tears just started to fall ~ I thought maybe some music will help lift my spirits - I turned on the stereo and while reaching for my CD's, a song came on the radio, (in general most music on the radio, AM or FM, unless it's a college station, Jazz or Blues, isn't worth the energy to press the on button).
I was stunned by the song that was on...and I knew in that moment that it was my husband sending me a message. His favorite band, aside from the Beatles was Cream...and this is the song and verse that was playing...
Im with you my love,
The lights shining through on you.
Yes, Im with you my love,
Its the morning and just we two.
Ill stay with you darling now,
Ill stay with you till my seas are dried up.
Ive been waiting so long
Ive been waiting so long
Ive been waiting so long
To be where Im going
In the sunshine of your love.
(Cream - Sunshine Of Your Love)
Yes, I cried even more, even harder, but I also smiled for the first time in days :)
2 comments:
thats nice mumma. I'm steering clear of all songs that remind me of joe though. I've been playing ani difranco in the car because it has no relation to him or my feelings... its just angsty female aggression which doesnt really have anything to do with life right now.
even though the loss of jerry was hard for me, i know it wasnt half of what it was for you. and even if its unlikely and i'm just overreacting i sort of know what you went through. i know i can still talk to joe, but i also question whether i want to be here without him. i know the anger towards people who keep saying "it'll be alright" and shit like that. we'll see.
love you mum
tt
Glad you too have had this experience of feeling you were given a message. - Kate
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