October has been a mix of emotions for me and my children...we are approaching one year since Jerry...I never know what to say, what are the right words...the words that don't sound like doom and gloom, agony, complete torture with a touch of guilt and a heavy dose of sorrow...all of those feelings are a part of the daily norm for me, but my husband was full of life and laughter - he wouldn't have been happy with a lot of tears and sadness.
I try to remember how handsome he was and when I would tell him, if we had met as kids or teenagers, I would have fallen in love with him over and over again - Jerry's face would light up and he would say, "...Trilby, I would have followed you around like a puppy..."
Jerry would make jokes during chemotherapy, even got the doctor to smile a few times. He couldn't eat and just the smell of food made him sick...he would say,
“…it's ok, you can never be too thin in my business…” when he lost another 10lbs after already losing 30lbs. He asked the nurse, “…can my wife borrow your nurse’s outfit…just for the weekend…” with a sheepish smile.
He joked about where he would go when he was gone and how I would be soooo envious. Sometimes he would send me text messages asking "…how are you this morning my beautiful merry widow…", so maybe he had a dark sense of humor - but I do know that we laughed and held on tighter during the bleakest of times.
Maybe a sense of humor is a defense mechanism, maybe it's a gift from "God" so we can face those frightening times, maybe it's magic star-dust sprinkled by a Guardian Angel looking after their ward so they can sleep peacefully at night...or it could just be the way human beings make this life bearable when tragedy and loss are right around the corner.
They say we are the only creatures on the planet that know what our inevitable fate will be…with an added element of surprise…not knowing, “when”…we also have “free will”…giving us an added tool to take responsibility for what may or may not be waiting for us on the other side.
I wonder if “God” spent a lot of time thinking about how to implement this part of the “master plan”…sitting at the drawing board twisting that long white beard – umm, let me see, how can I make my creations a bit more edgy…ah, I’ve got it, the gift of knowledge…and denial… With a flick of the hand and all is perfect…
“…it's been almost a year since Jerry went to that big no expense spared HD upgraded state of the art studio in the sky! Where he has long chats and jam sessions with his pals Hendrix, Lennon, Vaughn, Warhol, etc…"
Much better, as I choke back the tears and try to smile.
Camera # 3...action!
No comments:
Post a Comment