Dear Jerry,

I found your jacket downstairs, original Porsche emblem along with a Bert’s Bees lip balm - initials “JY” artistically printed on the cap with your signature black Sharpie. While it made me smile and memories flooded every crack in this weary façade; that has failed me miserably I might add - there is a sense of joy to have even the smallest of treasures to hold onto.

I've had a year to feel the stress and stain of tears that push their way up and over me, not taking the time to seep slowly through, more like a tidal wave, unexpected at times and powerful; as much of a master as I once was at reveal and conceal, I no longer have the energy to pull away from what has been the happiest time in my life even if it causes an endless emotional jag. Yes love, bitter sweet. Denial is no longer an option.

So I'll linger here for a while with thoughts of us and won’t move from this place without a fight to maintain the clarity of the memories that I hold so dear…

I love you, forever and always...and then some,
Yours,
Trilby

Random thoughts:

- My heart has lost a beat...skipping in a way that is out of sync with the rhythm that we kept so close to the vest - as if we were unique in a world full of narcissistic lovers…

- Seagulls fly close to the sand with a wing span that reaches out to the vast ocean, wide endless and as deep as my sorrow, with no direction or destination known. I can close my eyes, still see your face, I listen to an obscure artist sing a pleading song of love and devotion - lyrics that ring loudly in surround sound, “…dance with me to the colors of the dust…dance with me to the colors of the dust…” ~ because that’s all we are at the end of the day, from the beginning of time until our last breath fades off into and away ~ there is so much I have yet to behold…















Love of the Loved

Each time I look into your eyes,
I see that there, there heaven lies.
And as I look,
I see the love of the loved.

Some day they'll see that from the start,
My place has been deep in your heart.
And in your heart
I see the love of the loved.

Though I've said it all before,
I will say it more and more
Now that I'm really sure you love me.
And I know that from today,
I'll see it in the way
That you look at me and say, ah, you love me.

So let it rain, I'll never care?
Deep in your heart, I'll still be there.
And when I'm there,
I see the love of the loved.

Though I've said it all before,
I will say it more and more
Now that I'm really sure you love me.
And I know that from today,
I'll see it in the way
That you look at me and say, ah, you love me.

So let it rain, I'll never care?
Deep in your heart, I'll still be there.
And when I'm there,
I see the love of the loved,
I see the love of the loved,
I see the love of the loved.

Writers: Lennon, McCartney; lead vocal: McCartney

© 2008 Pamela Yates © 2007 Gerard Yates

Jerry's just for fun flicks...

Jerry's Horror Movie ~ Jerry Yates 2006



Don't Mess With Us ~ Jerry Yates 2006



Walking Windex ~ Jerry Yates



It's A Plastic World ~ Jerry Yates 2006

© 2008 Gerard T Yates

...and the wind cries...

October has been a mix of emotions for me and my children...we are approaching one year since Jerry...I never know what to say, what are the right words...the words that don't sound like doom and gloom, agony, complete torture with a touch of guilt and a heavy dose of sorrow...all of those feelings are a part of the daily norm for me, but my husband was full of life and laughter - he wouldn't have been happy with a lot of tears and sadness.

I try to remember how handsome he was and when I would tell him, if we had met as kids or teenagers, I would have fallen in love with him over and over again - Jerry's face would light up and he would say, "...Trilby, I would have followed you around like a puppy..."

Jerry would make jokes during chemotherapy, even got the doctor to smile a few times. He couldn't eat and just the smell of food made him sick...he would say,
“…it's ok, you can never be too thin in my business…” when he lost another 10lbs after already losing 30lbs. He asked the nurse, “…can my wife borrow your nurse’s outfit…just for the weekend…” with a sheepish smile.

He joked about where he would go when he was gone and how I would be soooo envious. Sometimes he would send me text messages asking "…how are you this morning my beautiful merry widow…", so maybe he had a dark sense of humor - but I do know that we laughed and held on tighter during the bleakest of times.

Maybe a sense of humor is a defense mechanism, maybe it's a gift from "God" so we can face those frightening times, maybe it's magic star-dust sprinkled by a Guardian Angel looking after their ward so they can sleep peacefully at night...or it could just be the way human beings make this life bearable when tragedy and loss are right around the corner.

They say we are the only creatures on the planet that know what our inevitable fate will be…with an added element of surprise…not knowing, “when”…we also have “free will”…giving us an added tool to take responsibility for what may or may not be waiting for us on the other side.

I wonder if “God” spent a lot of time thinking about how to implement this part of the “master plan”…sitting at the drawing board twisting that long white beard – umm, let me see, how can I make my creations a bit more edgy…ah, I’ve got it, the gift of knowledge…and denial… With a flick of the hand and all is perfect…


“…it's been almost a year since Jerry went to that big no expense spared HD upgraded state of the art studio in the sky! Where he has long chats and jam sessions with his pals Hendrix, Lennon, Vaughn, Warhol, etc…"

Much better, as I choke back the tears and try to smile.

Camera # 3...action!

Blue Moon On The Rise...

I got a letter this mornin, how do you reckon it read?
It said, "Hurry, hurry, yeah, your love is dead"
I got a letter this mornin, I say how do you reckon it read?
You know, it said, "Hurry, hurry, how come the gal you love is dead?"

So, I grabbed up my suitcase, and took off down the road
When I got there she was layin on a coolin' board
I grabbed up my suitcase, and I said and I took off down the road
I said, but when I got there she was already layin on a coolin' board

Well, I walked up right close, looked down in her face
Said, the good ol' gal got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day
I walked up right close, and I said I looked down in her face
I said the good ol' gal, she got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day

Looked like there was 10,000 people standin' round the buryin' ground
I didn't know I loved her 'til they laid her down
Looked like 10,000 were standin' round the buryin' ground
You know I didn't know I loved her 'til they damn laid her down

Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul
I wouldn't mistreat you baby, for my weight in gold
I said, Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul
You know I wouldn't mistreat nobody, baby, not for my weight in gold

Well, I folded up my arms and I slowly walked away
I said, "Farewell honey, I'll see you on Judgment Day"
Ah, yeah, oh, yes, I slowly walked away
I said, "Farewell, farewell, I'll see you on the Judgment Day"

You know I went in my room, I bowed down to pray
The blues came along and drove my spirit away
I went in my room, I said I bowed down to pray
I said the blues came along and drove my spirit away

You know I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down
I didn't have a soul to throw my arms around
I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down
You know, I didn't have nobody to throw my arms around

I loved you baby, like I love myself
You don't have me, you won't have nobody else
I loved you baby, better than I did myself
I said now if you don't have me, I didn't want you to have nobody else

You know, it's hard to love someone that don't love you
Ain't no satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do
Yeah, it's hard to love someone that don't love you
You know it don't look like satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do

Got up this mornin', just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where she used to lay
Got up this mornin', just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where my good gal used to lay

Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
You know, I must-a had them old walkin' blues
Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
Yeah, you know bout that, I must-a had them old walkin' blues

You know, I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin', so I don't have to cry no more
You know, I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin', you see, so I don't have to cry no more

Ah, hush, thought I heard her call my name
If it wasn't so loud and so nice and plain
Ah, yeah
Mmmmmm

Well, listen, whatever you do
This is one thing, honey, I tried to get along with you
Yes, no tellin' what you do
I done everything I could, just to try and get along with you

Well, the minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days
It seemed like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways
Minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days
Seems like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways

You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes leaves you feeling sad and blue
You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes make you feel sad and blue









Photograph

© 2008 Pamela Yates

Lyrics and Music

© 1930 Son House

Video Son House, Paul Butterfield Blues Band, & Mike Bloomfield - Newport Blues Fest.

Golden Slumbers...

I remember your voice singing softly, whispers that touched my heart - while you watched me sleep. We knew that peace was ours as long as we stayed close...
Now I struggle each night, hoping that your song will come to me through my dreams.
I'm hoping that I will find peace once more ~

...Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye..

© 2008 Pamela Yates

© 2007 Gerard Yates