It was our last night before Christmas, there were no gifts under our twinkling tree... Candle lights burning, smiles, warm embrace, kisses...just you and me...
It is the night before Christmas, there are no gifts under my twinkling tree... Candle lights burning...memories fill the room with love and images of you and me...
Merry Christmas my love, Always and Forever Trilby
Another emotional day, but at least it was a day that was for you...your design, your stone...
Twelve by twelve black granite polished surface Reflects back images like a mirror to the soul Seagulls flying overhead Subtle movement of passing clouds The wind blows across the placid surface Ashes to ashes dust to dust…
Sunglasses hide the intensity Tears reveal the pain Rolling down hollowed cheeks Fingers outline each letter Spelling out your name…
It is a cold winter,
Away is the songbird.
And gone is her traveler,
She waits at home.
The sun is on holiday,
No leaves on the trees.
The animals sleep
While cold North wind blows.
The snowflakes are falling,
The roof a white blanket.
There's ice on the window pane,
She waits alone.
She sits by the fireside,
The room is so warm.
Her children are sleeping,
She waits in their home.
Passing the time.
Passing the time.
Everything fine.
Passing the time, drinking red wine.
Passing the time, drinking red wine.
Passing the time, drinking red wine.
Passing the time, everything fine.
Passing the time, drinking red wine.
Passing the time, everything fine.
Passing the time, wine and time rhyme.
Passing the time.
It is a long winter,
Away is the summer.
She waits for her traveler
So far from home.
She sits by the fireside,
The room is so warm.
There's ice on the window,
She's lonely alone.
Sublime in the summertime, warm and lazy . . .
These are perfect days like Heaven's about here,
But unlike summer came and went -
Your love is forever,
I feel it and my heart knows
That we share it together.
Resigned to the wintertime's cold and dreary
Peering into fire flames, burning I know
That unlike winter came and went
Your love is forever
I feel it and my heart knows
That we share it together
I feel it and my heart knows you're the one
The guiding light in all your love shines on
The only lover worth it all
Your love is forever.
The Beatles - Here, There and Everywhere
To lead a better life I need my love to be here...
Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there
There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there
I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there
I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there
To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere
There are moments when complete panic rushes over me
Realization…you are truly gone, not coming back…not coming back
Gone…gone…smiles in photographs, kisses and hands held
Love notes written on tiny pieces of paper stuck to the bathroom mirror
In the refrigerator, on the steering wheel of the car…love notes…
Self-portraits…your voice, whispers endearing words everlasting love devotion
Eternal muse…eternal connection…twin flame, soul mate, husband
Repeat over and over…you can’t build your home in the cemetery Trilby
Jerry would want you to be happy – Jerry would want you to find joy
Jerry would want you to move forward…move forward…
One day, one word at a time…one step forward two steps back…
In the quiet of the night when nothing seems to matter, when nothing can
penetrate my sorrow a distant, yet clear voice speaks softly,
“…Hi babe, all's well, don't worry…I love you Trilby…”
Only then sleep takes my heart and we enter a temporary place of peace…
I found your jacket downstairs, original Porsche emblem along with a Bert’s Bees lip balm - initials “JY” artistically printed on the cap with your signature black Sharpie. While it made me smile and memories flooded every crack in this weary façade; that has failed me miserably I might add - there is a sense of joy to have even the smallest of treasures to hold onto.
I've had a year to feel the stress and stain of tears that push their way up and over me, not taking the time to seep slowly through, more like a tidal wave, unexpected at times and powerful; as much of a master as I once was at reveal and conceal, I no longer have the energy to pull away from what has been the happiest time in my life even if it causes an endless emotional jag. Yes love, bitter sweet. Denial is no longer an option.
So I'll linger here for a while with thoughts of us and won’t move from this place without a fight to maintain the clarity of the memories that I hold so dear…
I love you, forever and always...and then some,
Yours,
Trilby
Random thoughts:
- My heart has lost a beat...skipping in a way that is out of sync with the rhythm that we kept so close to the vest - as if we were unique in a world full of narcissistic lovers…
- Seagulls fly close to the sand with a wing span that reaches out to the vast ocean, wide endless and as deep as my sorrow, with no direction or destination known. I can close my eyes, still see your face, I listen to an obscure artist sing a pleading song of love and devotion - lyrics that ring loudly in surround sound, “…dance with me to the colors of the dust…dance with me to the colors of the dust…” ~ because that’s all we are at the end of the day, from the beginning of time until our last breath fades off into and away ~ there is so much I have yet to behold…
Love of the Loved
Each time I look into your eyes,
I see that there, there heaven lies.
And as I look,
I see the love of the loved.
Some day they'll see that from the start,
My place has been deep in your heart.
And in your heart
I see the love of the loved.
Though I've said it all before,
I will say it more and more
Now that I'm really sure you love me.
And I know that from today,
I'll see it in the way
That you look at me and say, ah, you love me.
So let it rain, I'll never care?
Deep in your heart, I'll still be there.
And when I'm there,
I see the love of the loved.
Though I've said it all before,
I will say it more and more
Now that I'm really sure you love me.
And I know that from today,
I'll see it in the way
That you look at me and say, ah, you love me.
So let it rain, I'll never care?
Deep in your heart, I'll still be there.
And when I'm there,
I see the love of the loved,
I see the love of the loved,
I see the love of the loved.
October has been a mix of emotions for me and my children...we are approaching one year since Jerry...I never know what to say, what are the right words...the words that don't sound like doom and gloom, agony, complete torture with a touch of guilt and a heavy dose of sorrow...all of those feelings are a part of the daily norm for me, but my husband was full of life and laughter - he wouldn't have been happy with a lot of tears and sadness.
I try to remember how handsome he was and when I would tell him, if we had met as kids or teenagers, I would have fallen in love with him over and over again - Jerry's face would light up and he would say, "...Trilby, I would have followed you around like a puppy..."
Jerry would make jokes during chemotherapy, even got the doctor to smile a few times. He couldn't eat and just the smell of food made him sick...he would say,
“…it's ok, you can never be too thin in my business…” when he lost another 10lbs after already losing 30lbs. He asked the nurse, “…can my wife borrow your nurse’s outfit…just for the weekend…” with a sheepish smile.
He joked about where he would go when he was gone and how I would be soooo envious. Sometimes he would send me text messages asking "…how are you this morning my beautiful merry widow…", so maybe he had a dark sense of humor - but I do know that we laughed and held on tighter during the bleakest of times.
Maybe a sense of humor is a defense mechanism, maybe it's a gift from "God" so we can face those frightening times, maybe it's magic star-dust sprinkled by a Guardian Angel looking after their ward so they can sleep peacefully at night...or it could just be the way human beings make this life bearable when tragedy and loss are right around the corner.
They say we are the only creatures on the planet that know what our inevitable fate will be…with an added element of surprise…not knowing, “when”…we also have “free will”…giving us an added tool to take responsibility for what may or may not be waiting for us on the other side.
I wonder if “God” spent a lot of time thinking about how to implement this part of the “master plan”…sitting at the drawing board twisting that long white beard – umm, let me see, how can I make my creations a bit more edgy…ah, I’ve got it, the gift of knowledge…and denial… With a flick of the hand and all is perfect…
“…it's been almost a year since Jerry went to that big no expense spared HD upgraded state of the art studio in the sky! Where he has long chats and jam sessions with his pals Hendrix, Lennon, Vaughn, Warhol, etc…"
Much better, as I choke back the tears and try to smile.
I got a letter this mornin, how do you reckon it read? It said, "Hurry, hurry, yeah, your love is dead" I got a letter this mornin, I say how do you reckon it read? You know, it said, "Hurry, hurry, how come the gal you love is dead?"
So, I grabbed up my suitcase, and took off down the road When I got there she was layin on a coolin' board I grabbed up my suitcase, and I said and I took off down the road I said, but when I got there she was already layin on a coolin' board
Well, I walked up right close, looked down in her face Said, the good ol' gal got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day I walked up right close, and I said I looked down in her face I said the good ol' gal, she got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day
Looked like there was 10,000 people standin' round the buryin' ground I didn't know I loved her 'til they laid her down Looked like 10,000 were standin' round the buryin' ground You know I didn't know I loved her 'til they damn laid her down
Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul I wouldn't mistreat you baby, for my weight in gold I said, Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul You know I wouldn't mistreat nobody, baby, not for my weight in gold
Well, I folded up my arms and I slowly walked away I said, "Farewell honey, I'll see you on Judgment Day" Ah, yeah, oh, yes, I slowly walked away I said, "Farewell, farewell, I'll see you on the Judgment Day"
You know I went in my room, I bowed down to pray The blues came along and drove my spirit away I went in my room, I said I bowed down to pray I said the blues came along and drove my spirit away
You know I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down I didn't have a soul to throw my arms around I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down You know, I didn't have nobody to throw my arms around
I loved you baby, like I love myself You don't have me, you won't have nobody else I loved you baby, better than I did myself I said now if you don't have me, I didn't want you to have nobody else
You know, it's hard to love someone that don't love you Ain't no satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do Yeah, it's hard to love someone that don't love you You know it don't look like satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do
Got up this mornin', just about the break of day A-huggin' the pillow where she used to lay Got up this mornin', just about the break of day A-huggin' the pillow where my good gal used to lay
Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes You know, I must-a had them old walkin' blues Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes Yeah, you know bout that, I must-a had them old walkin' blues
You know, I cried last night and all the night before Gotta change my way a livin', so I don't have to cry no more You know, I cried last night and all the night before Gotta change my way a livin', you see, so I don't have to cry no more
Ah, hush, thought I heard her call my name If it wasn't so loud and so nice and plain Ah, yeah Mmmmmm
Well, listen, whatever you do This is one thing, honey, I tried to get along with you Yes, no tellin' what you do I done everything I could, just to try and get along with you
Well, the minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days It seemed like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways Minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days Seems like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways
You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do Love sometimes leaves you feeling sad and blue You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do Love sometimes make you feel sad and blue
I remember your voice singing softly, whispers that touched my heart - while you watched me sleep. We knew that peace was ours as long as we stayed close...
Now I struggle each night, hoping that your song will come to me through my dreams.
I'm hoping that I will find peace once more ~
...Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye..
Looming above Reminiscent of a frown Slowly forming on the brow Of an angry God Rain streams down On a Universe that has questions Always wondering why Weeping Seraphs Can’t find the appropriate answers To send those on the edge Of Faith Thunder claps Continuous applause Waiting… For the moment of an ovation or Request for an encore… Wrapped in blankets from the past A cozy place to spend a day Recalling smiles Lovemaking… When the world seemed so gray We would find comfort in the drama Safe in one another’s arms Enjoying the show in a self created Heaven A place that lingers on and on While I sip my coffee sitting on the window sill Watching the world spin by Angel’s tears flow like a fine wine Into crystal glasses that mesmerize Each sip turns the world into a gradual blur Helping…make sense of nothing…
Sounds
scents
float
swirl
twirl
dance
to-and-fro
twisting
upward spiral
dreams
memories
tied together
neatly
a gift
from above
simple reminder
what was
could have been
life's consequences
fate
stepped in
directing
the path
intersecting
the journey
intent
fate
luck
ascending to Heaven
you held onto
my heart
soul
a memento
saving my place
waiting
for
the day
when
I finally
find
my way
home
to
you...
Rise in the East, the sun shine’s across the lawn penetrating its way through, Window pane… Casting delicate shadows from lace curtains that twirl and dance quietly across our room, Engaging silhouette… While I sit patiently longing for hands from beyond this world to tenderly carry me, Kindheartedly home… Where we can both rest in one another’s arms once more without worry or apprehension Timeless moments…
Thankful to have finally found the key to the lock, Magnificently synchronized…
Please don’t ask me questions... I can’t sleep, dreams fill my mind and echo’s are shatteringly loud bouncing off every hiding place, every non-ordained sanctuary I’ve created in this miserable year don’t ask me questions about why I can’t sleep why the dreams keep coming and going almost teasing me with a peaceful place to rest a peaceful place to find solace in my memories but not yet not now only the pain and fear the emotional engulfment of losing the love of my life, yes the love of my life all those clichés all the poetic terms of endearment fit like that proverbial glove, my other half...my soul-mate...my partner, my, my, my… my twin light, images, sounds all come back bitter sweet, sensations and words spoken, some not, not enough, we absorbed one another we took each others breath…away, away now it’s 4 something AM and you are bothering me with questions, silly make no sense questions that don’t have answers, could never have satisfactory answers, compelling promises tare at my heart strings… sleep and tranquility a place of serenity to be in your arms of warm love and tender promise just a moment more to whisper one last time that I will love you forever and ever… and then some love, and then some…
The past few days I've been very sad...feeling alone, not lonely - there seems to be a difference - I've wondered if my husband has any idea of what life is like for me, if he knows that I don't know what I'm doing, how I question everything, I wonder what my future will be now that he is not with me, does he know that sometimes I don't want to be here without him?
A continuous stream of thoughts that usually make me feel even more sure that I'm way beyond the left side of the curve that I've spent most of my life sailing on.
The sun was shining and the sky was a crystal clear blue, the air was crisp and there was a slight breeze, perfect weather. I was driving to Westport (7:00 AM) kind of zoned out and the tears just started to fall ~ I thought maybe some music will help lift my spirits - I turned on the stereo and while reaching for my CD's, a song came on the radio, (in general most music on the radio, AM or FM, unless it's a college station, Jazz or Blues, isn't worth the energy to press the on button).
I was stunned by the song that was on...and I knew in that moment that it was my husband sending me a message. His favorite band, aside from the Beatles was Cream...and this is the song and verse that was playing...
Im with you my love,
The lights shining through on you.
Yes, Im with you my love,
Its the morning and just we two.
Ill stay with you darling now,
Ill stay with you till my seas are dried up.
Ive been waiting so long
Ive been waiting so long
Ive been waiting so long
To be where Im going
In the sunshine of your love.
(Cream - Sunshine Of Your Love)
Yes, I cried even more, even harder, but I also smiled for the first time in days :)
You move beyond my reach and as my heart is aching so is the empty place that I held you close arms wrapped around each other with thoughts of how short our time would be and then we knew and we said it all everyday…I love you, I’ll always love you, I couldn’t have done this without you…forever love, forever and then some but it was not enough time to find a point of acceptance or complete comprehension of what it would be like with you on one side and me on the other so we looked deeply into each others eyes and understood the power as you passed from my light into your own and I still reach out in the dark of the night to feel your warmth and make a wish as I knock on wood that you will always hear my soul speak out your name and vow to love you forever and then some…
No need for words
When your smile is enough
To tell me all I need to know
When the reflection in your eyes
Has shown me all the love
that I have ever wanted
The gentle touch of your hand
outlined a map to my heart
leading us to a place we call home...
* * * *
Just another dream...
Meditating deep breath in and long slow breath out, focus on the way your chest rises and then falls and in the midst of all the effort to focus, off in the distance I can hear your voice, you say something and I automatically respond, with that we have a conversation as if everything were as it once was, you hold my hand and make me smile along with tears you touch my cheek and my hair and I know that you are with me, I beg you not to leave - you say you are always with me and I understand what you mean and it makes me wonder how I can go on without you…
Photo's by Jerry - Extended Honeymoon
Cameraman
Hey Mac
Kiss
First Snow
Birthday Present
When?
Cream 2005
If I look closely,
clearly, consciously,
focus intently,
…a thought crosses my mind…perfection is in the tiny details…Love…
If I hold my breath longer
even deeper
steady, calm
…a voice speaks serenely …I will never leave you…Trilby…
Keeping the images
from fading or
entering that place of
blur, vagueness
when the lines
between a dream and
reality
turn harsh
throwing my heart’s rhythm
into an off beat
just like an old Blues song
each time
I enter another phase,
dimension
that has no words
emotions build,
my chest
throat tighten,
tears overflow…
If I could silence the sounds,
even quieter
hush the echo
…a sensation touches me deeply…I know you love me, always…always…
Mid July and I float from one day into the next with little concern for what will come - Still haven't found my role in this black comedy of "Life". I've been derailed and for some reason haven't been able to get things back on track. My children are wonderful and they show that they love Jerry and me all the time. I thank God for them everyday.
Rebecca and Ari have been traveling this summer. Rebecca just returned from Ireland and Amsterdam and Ari is in Costa Rica now. When Rebecca was in Ireland she took photo's and dedicated them to Jerry and while we were on Block Island Ari took photo's that she said reminded her of what Jerry would have taken. I know he would be thrilled.
Paris and Jerry would talk for hours about music. Now when Paris is playing his guitar I can close my eyes and see Jerry smiling, especially when he's playing some Blues or Hendrix.
It brings me so much joy to know how he touch their lives...how much they love him. It is truly bitter sweet, but every moment is treasured ~
With Me...
Wind blows
calmly
across the shore
in the distance I hear
your voice
…I will never leave you,
make a wish
on the shadow of plane
flying overhead…
closing my eyes
I wish
I could feel your lips on mine
for just a moment
or the touch of your hand
entwining fingers ~
while tossing your favorite
island flowers
into the sea
of your final resting place
tears roll down my cheeks
the wind kicks up
a wave crashes against the reef
splashing me gently ~
off in the distance
echo’s of playful laughter
spray over me
smiling
I know that you are
truly always with me…
Jerry self portrait
Rebecca photo's from Ireland
Ari photo's from Block Island
Trilby white rose Block Island
I found your jacket downstairs, original Porsche emblem along with a Bert’s Bees lip balm - initials “JY” artistically printed on the cap with your signature black Sharpie. While it made me smile and memories flooded every crack in this weary façade; that has failed me miserably I might add - there is a sense of joy to have even the smallest of treasures to hold onto.
Random thoughts:
