There is no magic in "six" months...

You are love
the source
of sounds that echo
late at night
when all is calm
still…
off in the distance
hearing your laughter
I look deep into the darkness
I see your eyes
smile…
reaching out
touching my heart
in a way
that only you could…
as time passes
from one day into the next
I will kiss the wind
send it off to you…
in a place that is
everlasting~

Long Way

I walk this path
without a purpose
it seems there isn’t any need for a map
following your lead
or the direction of something that is greater
than the both of us
a particular sort of life force
or creator with pull
or push every so often
when my feet are firmly planted in denial
frozen during a moment in time
not wanting to travel forward
fear cannot face any transformation
conceding that you are no more
all the promises made
the vows spoken delicately
whispered in the night
prayers said in silence
to the omnipotent
Rosary Beads lose their luster
and passion for results seem deficient
when the place to my left
is vacant and somber
suddenly my eternal home
appears much further than I thought…

Eternal Light

The season’s change and life goes on
without a second thought
or
cautionary pause
the heart doesn’t skip a beat
as a child is born
we hear the first cry,
we see the first breathe
fill the lungs
and
all hope begins
taking that first step
towards an eternal
light…
in another room
down a long dark corridor
without a second thought
or
cautionary pause
the heart skips a beat
as a life passes on
we see the last breathe
as it empties the lungs
and
all hope fades
as the ending
begins
taking the last step
towards
an eternal
light ~

Optimism Denied

Wedding day optimism
shining on both of us
as we walked hand in hand
to our future,
one step at a time and
not always looking
ahead prudently
playing games and
making love
photographs and posing
the way you knew
I would like to remember
your eyes
unpredictable green and
you’d flash a smile
with that wise guy expression and
I’d fall in love with you
all over again
regardless of those moments
that the sky felt like it was falling in on us
we always held onto the vow
of a lifetime together
not aware
that the time frame
would be limited and
when the ambulance came
with flashing lights and
siren blaring
we still didn’t see the end coming –
last glance and
few words spoken
I saw your life fade
before my very eyes and
I knew
but couldn’t grasp the reality
that you were truly
gone ~

It's six months today that my husband passed away...and so many people have said that there is a turning point in the "sixth" month. Maybe I'm different, but there has been no shift for me...one day, one week...six months - it's all the same...

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

A Place to Rest

Block Island is my favorite place...I've been going there for many years and it holds a lot of special memories.

Most of the photo's were taken in November 2007, some earlier in July - I went with my children for the last time in 2007. The island was having it's final big event, the Christmas Walk...all the stores were open for the weekend and would close until the next summer season 2008.

It was chilly and the sky was a clear blue and the air was crisp. The weekend was sad for us, we brought Jerry's ashes there - but, it was nice to have a weekend with my "babies" and we did have some laughes and a lot of tears. All in all it was a good weekend for us one that we all needed.


Block Island, Rhode Island

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

A "Peace" of Heaven on Earth

Fall in Amagansett - I went there alone and stayed at my friend’s summer house. Amagansett is in the Hampton’s on Long Island, NY. Their house is very beautiful, cozy and about a block away from the ocean. All the roads to the ocean are sand and it’s a wonderful short walk to the beaches. It was so quiet and peaceful, just what I needed.

The ocean is powerful, amazing and calming...I spent hours walking the beach, even though it was cold and windy I didn't mind.

I had just lost my husband a few weeks earlier and I felt like I couldn't breathe and I didn't want to go far, but I knew that I needed to be alone. For almost a year I was on "auto-pilot" and when he died I stayed in "auto-pilot" - it was almost as if I didn't know how else to be.

The beginning of my crash was the second day in Amagansett just around sunset. I was walking the beach and fell apart. I cried and cried, sat down in the sand and sobbed until I was exhausted. For a long time I sat there and looked out, listened to the never ending sound of the waves crashing along the shore and felt completely void. I wasn't lonely, I was empty.

Almost six months later and I'm still trying to find myself and a way to continue on and adjust to being without Jerry.

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

Notions...

Time Limit

Time speaks to everyone with
an imaginary marker
of when bereavement will pass
ebb and flow
tidal waves of emotion
we all know the pull of a full moon
with a logical place as the surge is rearranged
from high to low
like the precision of a well crafted watch
only sorrow doesn’t play by the same practical rules
friends may step away when life moves on
six months seems long enough
for the space between memories
that fade into an extended sequence
until it is no longer a day to day thought
but for me it’s not a matter of day to day
or hour to hour
it’s a constant stream
that has a beginning
but no end
like the obscurity of the cosmos
soaring to a place
with no perception of gravity
or direction…

Potential

Drawn out nights gently unfold
into sunrise, subtle glow
reaches up and beyond
the eastern horizon
potential of a new day
Long Island shore line
will not eclipse my view
unexpected moments
stretch beyond the usual
marvel is an amazing thing
when a small child looks up
smiles as if they could trust
every word or thought
that could occur between
the innocent and the corrupt~

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

The way I write...

Some have asked how I write and it's hard to explain...so I wrote a short poem of sorts that shines some light on my way...

My Process

Fingers on the key board,
let it flow from the mind
forming a thought
then a sound,
maybe a syllable or two
a word
perhaps string a few together
like the beads of a precious necklace
as they work their way down
face and neck,
chest, arms, elbow, and wrist,
fingers to tips
sacred writing instrument
the mind, the heart, the soul
as they touch a letter,
an image appears
and comes together
highlighting emotions
that at times
are too difficult to utter
out loud…

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

Poems for Jerry II

Letting Go

Cautious laughter,
light hearted diversion,
sunshine and ocean breeze
beauty beyond my senses
I stare out at all the magnificence
sincerity surrounds me
I feel thankful to have the sight to see
the sensation to feel the cold Atlantic spray upon my face
I begin to appreciate submission,
gradually my shoulders relax
instinctively I lean my head
resting gently on your shoulder
the waves crash against the rocky shore
standing in the ripples of a solitary moment
guilt grabs hold of my heart
a painful reminder
like a dagger piercing a point in time
I stand alone
the tears fall from a poignant place
just for an instant
grief took leave
but was not prepared
to completely let go…

Questionable Faith

Deals with God
promises made
to anyone
with the power
or some higher source
that stands out from all the others
with a touch of Grace and Humility
that soars toward the Heavens
never a mystery to the Grand Schemer
or Motley Crew
who kneel at the feet of the One
only to ponder the questions
that have no prospect for
an arrow that is shot
in a straight line
landing off center
on the left side of the curve
but I still can’t make sense
of everything that has happened
late in the night when all is calm
my sobbing is silenced
by the tears that stifle
all the Faith I once held
in that special zone for Saints and Sinners
with sweet incense smoke rising
but never reaching those places
we’ve all imagined
once our Destination
has been reached and
we ascend into the
right hand of a Kinder
and Gentler
“God”…

Sailor’s Warning

Another day comes to a close
I dread the darkness
but as comfort grows
I surrender to the inevitable
only to have the morning light
rattle my emotions
the cloak of protection
slowly fades into shades of grey
the sun sneaks up on me
with a spotlight intensity full of promises lost
anticipation colors muted echo as a sailor cautions,
red sky at night sailors delight,
red sky in the morning sailors take warning…

WORDS

Spirituality, religion, theology, mysticism, holiness,
Belief, creed, conviction,
Divinity
Sanctity, piety, godliness, saintliness, consecration, devoutness, devotion, purity
Blessedness, inviolability, sacredness
Piousness, goodness, principle, trust, credence
Confidence, acceptance, credibility, authority
Sincerity, integrity, earnestness
Fervor, passion, zeal, vehemence, ardor
Genuineness, honesty, authenticity
Legitimacy, validity, realism, accuracy
Loyalty, commitment, dedication
Blind faith, follow the leader, unquestionable, unanswerable
Take my word for it…unsubstantiated fact… Faith

Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. -- Saint Augustine

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

Poems for Jerry ~ with love Trilby

Warm Breeze

I thought I heard your voice
echo from the empty place
that fills every corner of my heart and
images emerge without warning
as something automatically
goes off like an alarm and
you appear as clear as day and
I reach to touch your hand
only to feel a slight warm breeze
passing between my fingers…

Innate Progression

There is so little of me left
most things go unattended
while it’s not intentional
it is all that there is available
everything else is being spent
making sure one breath
continues to follow the next
while the heart persists with an off beat
an innate progression of being human
without any magical options
choices are limited to self preservation
one way or another
like it or not…
the sun will rise in the East
set in the West…
the tide will shift from high to low
when the moon is full
there will be a rush of wind from the North
that will blow my proverbial blues
to the South shore’s of Heaven On Earth…

Memories

It’s not any particular moment or day,
special occasion that can trigger a memory,
and that’s what they are now, memories…
images so clear, they are touchable to the minds eye
and with each notion comes a wave of tears that emerge
hand in hand
a perfect fit
with an uncanny resemblance to you and me
when imprints were made
and carefully set aside
for future reference
along with peaceful reverie…

Unknown

So they tell me to reach out and touch reality
grab hold and embrace it with all its glory
doom and gloom can only drag you down
long dark cavity and only one way out
an unnatural exit that has generational consequences…
thoughts never cross that bridge or burn it either,
but when my senses are raw and there are no signs
from the Grand Creator or any cohorts
the distance from here to there
seems long and weary for a traveler
that has lost all sense of time and direction…
not the journey,
the destination…
not right,
left…
stop on red,
go on green…cautionary yellow…
an abundance of recommendations
and all roads continually lead to…
the unknown ~

Mourning Dove

Mourning Dove’s coo
bitter sweet like an aimless breeze
reminiscent of a sad love song
vibrating throughout until it is no more
recognizing all that we can lose at the slightest shift
from left to right
never sensing the ground
as it slips beneath our feet
even as we try to hang on
white knuckling it with each breath
everything in between
each heart’s beat
is a pulse directed to the soul
keeping what we once knew
at arms length
but always there
as a reminder
of how fragile
we truly are…

Heaven’s Gate

Time change and lack of sleep has been
interrupted once more with the morning light
showing up later then my dreams
and with each ray comes a photographic memory
of smiling eyes with a glint of mystery
staring back at me
as if the tears that fall
could be touched by an invisible hand
that once held mine in the night
when it didn’t matter what the next day would bring
we had the world before us
ready to reveal all the bright promises of the forever young
only to be cut short by an invisible demon
that we dare not label
because reality falls midstream
when the pain hits below the belt
and nothing can bring relief
other then my day
kneeling before the Gates of Heaven…

© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

Marco...Layla's owner and my dear friend

Just some random shots of Marco - he is a very kind man and dear friend. His offer to spend some time in the San Blas was very generous of him and he was extremely understanding of my grief.

Marco took care of me...he caught fish, sailed Layla single handed, cooked all our meals (he's a great cook) he talked with me when I was freaked out and cried, comforted me when I had nightmares, played what ever music I wanted to hear, introduced me to so many wonderful people, tried to teach me how to snorkel...eeekkk, answered all my questions,and never once did he ask for anything. That is true friendship and I'll always love him for being just who he is and I wouldn't want him to ever change.

I told him if I wasn't so in love with my husband I'd be chasing him all over the world!

El Porvenir Airport

My trip has come to an end and I'm sailing to El Porvenir an island that has a few tiny hotels, cantina, bar, restaurant and sort of an airport...more like a very short landing strip...for very small airplanes...

We sailed to El Porvenir - another tough sail - lot of wind and swells. I spent the night on Layla and was sad to say good by to my friend the next morning. My visit was amazing and I plan to go again when I'm emotionally in a better place and then really tap into all the experiences that were so amazing but that I was unable to completely own.

The flight was supposed to take off at 6:35 AM and I had to be there at 5:30 AM. Most people that are taking a flight out from El Porvenir come the night before and either spend the night in one of the B&B's, hotels or stay on their sailboats...it depends on how they get to El Porvenir. The Kuna will bring people to the airport for a small fee.

There were so many tourists from all over the world flying out. The first flight, which was not mine, arrived about 45 minutes late. My flight, AirPanama was well over an hour late...I was not thrilled, but I did get to see the sunrise over El Porvenir!

The flight was packed, tight seating - I was one of the last to board so I sat right up front...so close to the pilot and co-pilot I could watch everything they were doing. The pilots were well dressed clean cut young men. Clearly they knew the pattern, especially once we were up the pilot kicked back - he picked up a newspaper, folded it in a particular way and buried his head in the paper and read for the rest of the flight...until it was time to descend and land! One woman from New Zealand took photo's as did some of the Asian passengers that seemed stunned. I thought, umm, this is interesting, I'm just going to assume this guy knows what he's doing...and he did. Smooth landing right on time...2 hours late!

Again, I had a driver from the hotel pick me up. This time I stayed at the Panama Marriott® Hotel. It was more expensive but really very nice. I couldn't wait to take a bath and shower and go to the spa and have room service and jump on the bed - watch TV...even if it was in Spanish! Which I did...I took a bubble bath and a shower...went to the spa for a massage...ordered everything on the menu and jumped on the bed...shhhh...the food was wonderful and the TV did have English - the stay was well worth the price. The staff was extremely friendly and helpful.

The next day a driver brought me to PTY and I flew back to JFK...and landed in a major snow storm! Ah, to be home...well I had my molas, met wonderful people, found some peace and had one hell of a tan!

Basic info:
Island airport: El Porvenir
There are two operators that fly to San Blas: Aeroperlas and AirPanama – fly to Albrook Airport in Panama City – small municipal airport.

Approx - $50.00

Panama Marriott® Hotel
Calle 52 y Ricardo Arias.
Area Bancaria Panama City, Panama
PTY 12.0 mi NE

Banking district – $245.00

The East Holandes Cays

Time to visit some new islands in the San Blas so, we sailed off late in the day and headed toward the East Holandes Cays. The sail was only a few hours. Such an odd feeling to be out in the middle of the sea with no land in sight…it’s humbling at best and daunting, impressive, commanding, magnificent, intimidating and a bit scary. There is no question who the boss is!

The Holandes are very different compared to the Lemons. They have a lot more vegetation on them and there isn’t much of a nice beach area surrounding the islands. The main island that we visited is called “Pot Luck Island”. It’s called that because when the cruisers have a CD, DVD or what ever else, swap party they also have a pot luck dinner. Everyone that attends brings some kind of food or drink to share. It’s a way to socialize and catch up with stories and things going on in other areas. The best way to learn about an upcoming party is via the “Panama Connection” @ 8:30 AM on the VHF radio.

No one lives on Pot Luck Island and there is an abandoned hut that a Kuna family once lived in. Reggie, a cruiser from NY has been the self-appointed care taker for years. He will rake, gather coconuts for the Kuna and keep the island clean. He will also do the burning and recycling for the cruisers and Kuna. On our first day there a Kuna Official in a ulu came by to collect $5 anchorage fee. He boarded Layla, chatted for a while in Spanish and we gave him some magazines and cookies.

Anchored in the reef protected Holandes is a sailboat that actually sunk and was brought back up – they ran a ground and tore a huge hole in the hull. The new owner is trying to restore the vessel. It was clearly once a beautiful boat and there’s a lot of work to be done.