Saturday, May 31, 2008

Out of Sync...




Leaning over to tell you
a piece of the latest gossip
that swirls around our circle
knowing you would laugh
or give me warning
or an “I told you so…”
never with malice…

But, as the words are being formed
and I’m sharpening my wit
so that I can spark
that glint in your eyes
that I love to see
the excitement is stamped out
like the fire in my heart
as I realize once again
that you are not
sitting to my left
or in the next room
and a text message to the “After Life”
is probably not in my roaming area…

With that I start my day
at the top of the mountain
and quickly start my decline
with tears as my guide…
hearing you whisper,
"...the glass is always half full..."

*****
Importance

Flowers left on slightly disturbed soil
months have passed since we placed your ashes
pink roses lay in reverence
while Beatle tunes float into the air…
all boundaries obliterated
smooth notes drifting off
to places unknown
hoping that somehow
you might hear something
as a reminder of all that you left behind
and it would produce a smile
in that obscure place
you currently reside
maybe even a slight tear
will fall from your questioning eyes
touching that part
that possibly remains
one foot in the here and now…
mortal as we all are –
can you sense the remorse,
sadness
enormous loss
felt by so many?
Or are you beyond such earthy sensations
at the present time?
I wonder if you shudder
when a wave of melancholy rises high above
entering that place you hover;
do you have faith in your importance
now that you are no longer
sitting by my side?


© 2008 Pamela Viscomi Yates

Monday, May 12, 2008

PUTTING A FACE ON LUNG CANCER





Last photo of Jerry that he took in October
Jerry in the YES studio
Jerry with his baby Porsche

Every moment of that entire last day and night with my husband are so clear, as if they have been permanently etched into my brain. It hurts to allow the thoughts in, and I have little control over when they are stirred up...it has become a test of wills, who will win the battle of pain...me or my psyche - so far I'm losing. It's like a never ending loop - a movie that plays over and over. The sounds, the images of his face, feeling his head resting on my chest and running my fingers through his hair gently the way he liked it, all the words we exchanged...holding hands and kisses that we didn't know would be the last.

All very clear and crisp and everything that followed, until I was told Jerry was gone. From that point on and the next week or so is a complete fog.


My husband was diagnosed with non small cell squamous lung cancer in February 2007.

He didn’t have any symptoms – no cough, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, color or changes in his sleeping and he was in perfect physical condition. He didn’t drink and hadn’t smoked for 5 years. The only thing that he felt that was unusual was something that he described as a pulled muscle in his upper chest around his shoulder on the right side and he only felt the ache for a few weeks before his yearly physical. At the time he thought it was from the way he held or carried his camera for the past 30 years – Jerry was a cameraman. He worked for the NY Yankees, YES Network for the last 6 years of his career.

When he went for his physical he mentioned it to his doctor. They did an X-Ray and saw something in his upper right lung. That was the beginning of an everlasting change in our live. After all the scans, PET, CAT, MRI, biopsy and every other test available – they confirmed he was already in stage 3 and was not operable because of the size and location of the tumor. It had wrapped itself around the main artery to the heart. They couldn't remove his lung which at one point they thought they might be able to. He had the best doctors and the best care in New York City and Connecticut.

He did rounds or radiation and chemotherapy. I was with him every step of the way, I didn't want to leave him for a minute. He was so sick from the treatment and I knew he felt like he was a burden. I had to reassure him from time to time that I was his wife, I loved him and wouldn't be any place else but by his side.

We had our moments when we had good news and then bad – it was like a roller coaster. Jerry’s weight was dropping fast and on the good days he still wasn't able to gain any of it back and I could see the shift in his "way". He was like an angel…always smiling and even when he was scared and we cried together…he always had his dignity. Jerry told me every day that he loved me and would never leave me. He would thank me for taking care of him. We still sent sweet loving text messages to each other and cell phone pics. We were so close it was like some grand power made sure we had those months as difficult as they were to grow even closer together. Jerry never lost hope...but things were changing, things that I look back on now and can see that on a spiritual level he was getting ready to leave...and I don't believe that he was consciously aware of it.

Even though we had hope, we knew we didn’t have forever…but the night that he did die it was a complete shock. I wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready…we needed more time, but he died very quickly and he was home with me and our daughter. Nothing could have prepared any of us for what happened.

He was feeling OK all day, but he did say his chest hurt a bit more than usual. One minute he was fine, we had dinner in our bed room (at some point during all the treatments we moved our life into our bedroom - even when people came to visit they would come in and sit on our bed, eat and watch TV with us), he got up and went into the kitchen and got a soda...we were going to spend the night the way we had been spending every night. Sitting close, all wrapped up in blankets and pillows just right holding each other and watching random TV shows or old movies.

When he came back in the room, he started to cough a little...he had never coughed before, this was new and startled me...when he looked a the Kleenex there was a tiny bit of blood. He went into the bathroom and a few minutes later he called me - I went to the door and opened it and he was kneeling on the floor. The room was covered with blood...everywhere...he asked me to call 911 and to stay calm, he would be OK. I called 911 and stayed with him, gave him a towel to wipe the blood off his face and we just looked at each other and I said it's OK, it's OK and I rubbed his back while we waited for the ambulance. I remember feeling so terrified and just wanted to put my arms around him.

I felt myself slip into automatic pilot. When the Paramedics arrived they asked me to leave the bathroom so they could talk to Jerry and put him on a stretcher. I heard them ask him his name and he said Jerry Yates.

It was a beautiful Fall night, the sky was clear filled with stars and there was a slight breeze. They took Jerry out on the stretcher he was sitting up with an oxygen mask over his mouth and they wheeled him down the front stairs to the opened ambulance doors...at that point he turned his head and looked at me, our eyes connected on such a deep level for only a few seconds and then his hand dropped with the mask and his head fell slowly to the side, the wind blew his hair...his eyes closed and I think deep inside I knew he was gone.

They wouldn't let me ride in the back of the ambulance with him, I had to ride up front. When we arrived at the hospital a lot of people were waiting for us and they immediately took me one way and Jerry the other. I called his sister and my friend to please come to the hospital. I called my daughter to make sure her older sister had made it to the house from Brooklyn so she wouldn't be alone. I told them I'd call them later when I knew more. Our biggest fear was that he would die, but none of us actually thought it would really ever happen.

We waited in a private comfortable room, pacing and talking. I cried when I was asked for details and I just wanted to see him, be with him. I was prepared to spend the night in the hospital as I had many times before. I would hold his hand and rest my head on his chest and fall asleep listening to his heart beating and him breathing. I was OK with that, it was better than the alternative.

A while later a doctor came in the room and asked me some questions, he was very kind...and then he said that he was sorry, that Jerry was gone. He told me that the artery to his heart had ruptured because the tumor was growing around the artery and it had also grown into it.

I couldn't even comprehend what that meant. I thought he made a mistake. I was in shock. I didn't know what to do or say, I cried and kept saying I couldn't believe it, and even asked my brother in law to go check and make sure that they were not making a mistake. They hadn't. A nurse came in about 20 minutes later and took my hand and asked if I wanted to see him.

We all walked down the hall and into the room. Behind the curtain covered in a white blanket and sheet lay my beautiful husband. He looked peaceful and calm. His long silky hair was pushed back and his eyes were closed. I sat next to him and sobbed. I kissed his forehead and held his hand, stoked his face. Even while I sat there holding him the reality wasn't completely landing on me that he was gone.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

His brother arrived and went in after me with his sister and her husband. Two of my close girlfriends, Jenny R and Jenny V were there also and they drove me home.

My girls were waiting on the front porch for me. We just looked at each other and I told my children he was gone and we all cried for hours. I don't think I slept that night but we all stayed on my bed for a long time.

My sister flew out the next day from Chicago and stayed the week and I was very thankful to have her with me. My dear friend Connie stepped in and without hesitation as if she could read my mind did everything that needed to be done and took the pressure off me.

My heart has been completely shattered. The man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the man that I adored and loved completely was suddenly no more...gone...I didn't know what to do with this new life I'd been thrown into, I still don't. I wasn't really prepared for the enormous sense of loss and pain and I didn't want to be in this world without Jerry.

My husband was the one man that was a perfect fit, who never judged, who always understood, we would talk for hours about music, the Blues, films, our fears, our mistakes and our joys...he said we did not come together because we were lucky...luck had nothing to do with it...we earned one another - we were truly a part of one another and now a part of me is gone.

Every day is a struggle. And every day I try to understand and try to find faith or some belief, something that can ground me...something...nothing is holding its place for me right now...I am lost and in search...I still have my hope. And every day I cry for my husband, I sleep on his side of the bed, I still haven't had the heart to go through his things and pack them up. I'm in a holding pattern for now.

Jerry died October 27, 2007 – Eight months after he was diagnosed and one month shy of his 53rd birthday. There isn't a day that goes by, a moment that I'm not thinking about him...I hope he knows that.
XXOO Trilby

***********************************************************************************

Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer is the most common type of Lung Cancer, making up nearly 80% of all cases. This type of Lung Cancer grows and spreads more slowly than small cell lung cancer. Non-small cell lung cancer is divided into three different subcategories. Squamous cell carcinoma originates in the thin, flat cells that line the passages of the respiratory tract. Adenocarcinoma begins in the cells that form the lining of the lungs. Large cell carcinomas make up a group of cancers that look large and abnormal under a microscope.

Lung cancer (both small cell and non-small cell) is the second most common cancer in both men (after prostate cancer) and women (after breast cancer). It accounts for about 15% of all new cancers. During 2008, there will be about 215,020 new cases of lung cancer (114,690 among men and 100,330 among women).

Lung cancer mainly occurs in the elderly. About 2 out of 3 people diagnosed with lung cancer are older than 65; fewer than 3% of all cases are found in people under the age of 45. The average age at the time of diagnosis is about 70.

Overall, the chance that a man will develop lung cancer in his lifetime is about 1 in 13; for a woman, the risk is about 1 in 16. These numbers include both smokers and non-smokers. For smokers the risk is much higher, while for non-smokers the risk is lower.

Black men are about 50% more likely to develop lung cancer than white men. The rate is slightly higher in black women than in white women. Both black and white women have lower rates than men, but the gap is closing. The rate of lung cancer has been dropping among men for several years and is fairly stable among women.

Lung cancer is by far the leading cause of cancer death among both men and women. There will be an estimated 161,840 deaths from lung cancer (90,810 among men and 71,030 among women) in 2008, accounting for around 29% of all cancer deaths. More people die of lung cancer than of colon, breast, and prostate cancers combined.

Slightly more than 40% of people diagnosed with either type of lung cancer are still alive 1 year after their diagnosis. About 27% are still alive after 2 years. Only about 15% of people diagnosed with lung cancer survive this disease after 5 years.

Guide to Quitting Smoking

Introduction
The US Surgeon General has stated, "Smoking cessation (stopping smoking) represents the single most important step that smokers can take to enhance the length and quality of their lives."

Quitting smoking is not easy, but you can do it. To have the best chance of quitting successfully, you need to know what you’re up against, what your options are, and where to go for help. You'll find this information here.

Why Is It So Hard to Quit Smoking?

Mark Twain said, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times." Maybe you've tried to quit, too. Why is quitting and staying quit hard for so many people? The answer is nicotine.

Nicotine

Nicotine is a drug found naturally in tobacco. It is highly addictive -- as addictive as heroin or cocaine. Over time, a person becomes physically and emotionally addicted to, or dependent on, nicotine. Studies have shown that smokers must deal with both the physical and psychological dependence to be successful at quitting and staying quit.

Where Nicotine Goes and How Long it Stays

When you inhale smoke, nicotine is carried deep into your lungs, where it is absorbed quickly into the bloodstream and carried throughout your body. Nicotine affects many parts of the body, including your heart and blood vessels, your hormonal system, your metabolism, and your brain. Nicotine can be found in breast milk and even in cervix mucus secretions of smokers. During pregnancy, nicotine freely crosses the placenta and has been found in amniotic fluid and the umbilical cord blood of newborn infants.

Several different factors can affect how long it takes the body to remove nicotine and its by-products. In general, a regular smoker will have nicotine or its by-products, such as cotinine, in the body for about 3 to 4 days after stopping.

How Nicotine Hooks Smokers

Nicotine produces pleasant feelings that make the smoker want to smoke more. It also acts as a kind of depressant by interfering with the flow of information between nerve cells. As the nervous system adapts to nicotine, smokers tend to increase the number of cigarettes they smoke, and therefore the amount of nicotine in their blood. After a while, the smoker develops a tolerance to the drug, which leads to an increase in smoking over time. Over time, the smoker reaches a certain nicotine level and then smokes to maintain this level of nicotine. In fact, nicotine, when inhaled in cigarette smoke, reaches the brain faster than drugs that enter the body intravenously (IV).

Nicotine Withdrawal

When smokers try to cut back or quit, the lack of nicotine leads to withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal is both physical and mental. Physically, the body reacts to the absence of nicotine. Mentally, the smoker is faced with giving up a habit, which calls for a major change in behavior. Both must be addressed in order for the quitting process to work.

If a person has smoked regularly for a few weeks or longer and suddenly stops using tobacco or greatly reduces the amount smoked, they will have withdrawal symptoms. Symptoms usually start within a few hours of the last cigarette and peak about 2 to 3 days later. Withdrawal symptoms can last for a few days to up to several weeks.

Withdrawal symptoms can include any of the following:

dizziness (which may only last 1-2 days after quitting)
depression
feelings of frustration, impatience, and anger
anxiety
irritability
sleep disturbances, including having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and having bad dreams or even nightmares
trouble concentrating
restlessness
headaches
tiredness
increased appetite

These symptoms can lead the smoker to start smoking cigarettes again to boost blood levels of nicotine back to a level where there are no symptoms.

Smoking also makes your body get rid of certain drugs faster than usual. When you quit smoking, it changes the way your body handles these medicines. Ask your doctor if any medicines you take regularly need to be checked or changed after you quit.

Why Should I Quit?

Your Health

Health concerns usually top the list of reasons people give for quitting smoking. This is a very real concern: About half of all smokers who continue to smoke will end up dying from a smoking-related illness.

Cancer

Nearly everyone knows that smoking can cause lung cancer, but few people realize it is also a risk factor for many other kinds of cancer as well, including cancer of the mouth, voice box (larynx), throat (pharynx), esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, stomach, and some leukemia's.

Lung Diseases

Pneumonia has been included in the list of diseases caused by smoking since 2004. Smoking also increases your risk of getting lung diseases such as emphysema and chronic bronchitis. These diseases are grouped together under the term COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). COPD causes chronic illness and disability, and worsens over time - sometimes becoming fatal. Emphysema and chronic bronchitis can be found in people as young as 40, but are more commonly diagnosed later in life, when the symptoms are more severe. Long term smokers have the highest risk of developing severe COPD.

Heart Attacks, Strokes, and Blood Vessel Diseases

Smokers are twice as likely to die from heart attacks as are non-smokers. And smoking is a major risk factor for peripheral vascular disease, a narrowing of the blood vessels that carry blood to the leg and arm muscles. Smoking also affects the walls of the vessels that carry blood to the brain (carotid arteries), which can cause strokes. Men who smoke are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction (impotence) because of blood vessel disease.

Blindness and Other Problems

Smoking also causes premature wrinkling of the skin, bad breath, bad smelling clothes and hair, yellow fingernails, and an increased risk of muscular degeneration, one of the most common causes of blindness in the elderly.

Special Risks to Women and Babies

Women have some unique risks linked to smoking. Women over 35 who smoke and use birth control pills have a higher risk of heart attack, stroke, and blood clots of the legs. Women who smoke are more likely to have a miscarriage or a lower birth-weight baby. Low birth-weight babies are more likely to die or have learning and physical problems.

Years of Life Lost Due to Smoking

Based on data collected in the late 1990s, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimated that adult male smokers lost an average of 13.2 years of life and female smokers lost 14.5 years of life because of smoking. And given the diseases that smoking can cause, it can steal your quality of life long before you die. Smoking-related illness can limit your activities by making it harder to breathe, get around, work, or play.

Why Quit?

No matter how old you are or how long you've smoked, quitting will help you live longer. People who stop smoking before age 50 cut their risk of dying in the next 15 years in half compared with those who continue to smoke. Ex-smokers enjoy a higher quality of life with fewer illnesses from cold and flu viruses, better self-reported health, and reduced rates of bronchitis and pneumonia.

For decades the Surgeon General has reported the health risks linked to smoking. In 1990, the Surgeon General concluded:

Quitting smoking has major and immediate health benefits for men and women of all ages. Benefits apply to people with and without smoking-related disease.

Former smokers live longer than people who keep smoking.

Quitting smoking decreases the risk of lung cancer, other cancers, heart attack, stroke, and chronic lung disease.

Women who stop smoking before pregnancy or during the first 3 to 4 months of pregnancy reduce their risk of having a low birth-weight baby to that of women who never smoked.

The health benefits of quitting smoking are far greater than any risks from the small weight gain (usually less than 10 pounds) or any emotional or psychological problems that may follow quitting.

20 minutes after quitting: Your heart rate and blood pressure drops.
(Effect of Smoking on Arterial Stiffness and Pulse Pressure Amplification, Mahmud, A, Feely, J. 2003. Hypertension:41:183.)

12 hours after quitting: The carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1988, p. 202)

2 weeks to 3 months after quitting: Your circulation improves and your lung function increases.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1990, pp.193, 194,196, 285, 323)

1 to 9 months after quitting: Coughing and shortness of breath decrease; cilia (tiny hair-like structures that move mucus out of the lungs) regain normal function in the lungs, increasing the ability to handle mucus, clean the lungs, and reduce the risk of infection.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1990, pp. 285-287, 304)

1 year after quitting: The excess risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker's.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1990, p. vi)

5 years after quitting: Your stroke risk is reduced to that of a nonsmoker 5 to 15 years after quitting.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1990, p. vi)

10 years after quitting: The lung cancer death rate is about half that of a continuing smoker's. The risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, bladder, cervix, and pancreas decrease.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1990, pp. vi, 131, 148, 152, 155, 164,166)

15 years after quitting: The risk of coronary heart disease is that of a non-smoker's.
(US Surgeon General's Report, 1990, p. vi)

More Information From Your American Cancer Society

The following information may also be helpful for you. These materials may be viewed on our Web site or ordered from our toll-free number, 1-800-ACS-2345.

Cigar Smoking (also available in Spanish)

Cigarette Smoking (available in Spanish only through our toll-free number)

Double Your Chances of Quitting Smoking

Guide to Quitting Smoking (available in Spanish only through our toll-free number)

Helping a Smoker Quit: Dos and Don'ts

Join the Quit Network


Questions About Smoking, Tobacco, and Health (available in Spanish only through our toll-free number)

Quitting Smoking - Help for Cravings and Tough Situations (available in Spanish only through our toll-free number)

Smokeless Tobacco

Smoking and Cancer Mortality Table

Smoking in the Workplace -- A Model Policy

Women and Smoking (available in Spanish only through our toll-free number)
National Organizations and Web Sites*

If you want to quit smoking and need help, contact one of the following organizations. In addition to the American Cancer Society, other sources of patient information and support include:


American Heart Association & American Stroke Association
Telephone: 1-800-AHA-USA-1 or 1-800-242-8721
Telephone: 1-888-4-STROKE or 1-888-478-7653
Internet address: www.amhrt.org
Internet address: www.strokeassociation.org

American Lung Association
Telephone: 1-800-LUNG-USA (1-800-548-8252)
Internet address: www.lungusa.org

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Office on Smoking & Health
Telephone: 1-800-CDC-INFO (1-800-232-4636)
Internet address: www.cdc.gov/tobacco


National Cancer Institute
Cancer Information Service
Telephone: 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237)
Internet address: www.cancer.gov


Nicotine Anonymous
Telephone: 1-877-879-6422
Internet address: www.nicotine-anonymous.org

Smokefree.gov
(Online materials, including info on state telephone-based programs)
Telephone: 1-800-QUITNOW (1-800-784-8669)
Internet address: www.smokefree.gov

Smoking Cessation Leadership Center
Telephone: 1-800-QUITNOW or 1-800-784-8669
Internet address: http://smokingcessationleadership.ucsf.edu/

Inclusion on this list does not imply endorsement by the American Cancer Society.

Please call 1-800-ACS-2345 any time, day or night, when you have questions or need help. The American Cancer Society has information, resources, and support available on any cancer-related topic.

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Revised: 10/16/2007

Thursday, May 8, 2008