Tidal Push

February, Valentines Day 2007. We celebrated the way lovers do. We had hope and such a bright future planned. Our time felt fluid and the perfection was without mention...

Two days later it was as if someone had cut the cord; our lifeline snapped and everything changed, shifted forever. Lung cancer, stage 4... 

We now had a new plan and new future - time did not stand still; time was no longer fluid, we now had a defined time limit. 

Everyday we would drive to the hospital. The same route; same twists and turns in the road. The changing seasons; a white winter snow, new growth and the warmth of spring, hot summer sun...and the mysterious golden glow of fall. 

We would talk, if you felt up to it; keeping things light and hopeful...only a few more rounds of Chemo left, then we can look for that house on the water... back to our plans, back to our plans - wishful thinking...naive, yet hopeful. 

I would look over at you, sitting in the passengers seat of our Mini Cooper, pale and thin; the pain in my heart was deep - beyond expression. You would smile at me and take my hand to your lips and kiss my fingers; thanking me for being with you and not letting go...we had always promised we would never let go...

One fall night, our last ride on that road, same twists and turns - this time you rode in the back, I was up front in the passengers seat; sirens blaring - the tide rushed up and took you away, I wasn't ready then...I'm not ready now.

Over the years as I drove around town, I would look over to the passengers seat, I could feel your presence. I found comfort knowing you were still with me, your spirit hadn't left and selfishly, not wanting to let go, I held on. I held on and on, white knuckling it at times; fearful of the day when I would get in the car and you would be gone.

February, Valentines Day 2016. The tide came up without warning, water rushed in and took you away again - I wasn't ready then, and I'm not ready now...  but time does not stand still for anyone and our life plans did change; eight years have passed. 

The tidal push left me in the wake of loss and letting go - my choices now, like then are limited. Not life or death, but a change. Change is a necessity, moving forward is a life line to taking a deep breath in and a slow breath out.  A new Mini Cooper, a new future... and if I look over to the passenger seat, I'm hopeful that I will feel you there once more...

© 2016 TrilbyYates

Someone Is Shouting Jihad

Clear Parisian sky 
a sweet night 
to live and die 
without purpose
or validation of intent
but a twist of fate 
walking down 
the Champs Elysees 
and in my heart 
there is a love song 
and bright city lights
and what is that 
I heard you say 
not in a soft whisper 
but accusatory verbiage
and solitary sob
someone is shouting Jihad
you have a cause 
but you have no home 
you hide, linger and roam 
and wander in obscurity 
blanketed chatter code 
distant and detached
from the pulse 
of the universe 
you were born 
to cherish and to hold
loyal to a higher source 
fantasy wild illusion 
of what may be waiting 
for your brothers
on the other side
there is no solution
there is no pride
stained in blood and flesh 
your stairway to heaven
is a fiery inferno 
leading not to the purity 
of innocent virgins 
as you have been told
but as a venomous snake 
you will find only darkness 
not shadow or light 
nor colors bright 
but an abyss 
of nothingness 
we create what we are
someone is shouting Jihad... 

© 2015 TrilbyYates 

Chris Matthews Throw Me A Life Line

Heard the words steam roller blow out
walking on a branch already broken
and the monsters of men want to challenge the path
I have already chosen - what's a non gender bender supposed to do?
And, and I look to you as a knight in shining armor
- and the villain on the tracks
But anyway that's my stuff, my story and I tell it well 
- if you stand still long enough to listen
I will maintain a glass half full mentality throughout most of the day
no need to tell me to keep the faith 
brighter days are coming soon
brighter days are on the way
and I'm still carrying my lackings around with an intense sense of pride
committed to never letting them go like the lovely lessons learned 
and bridges never burned, something my mum said a long time ago
…I digress, perdonatemi la mai famiglia
I'll continue to ride the wave when the oceans have dried
just close my eyes and recall the vision of the mighty Poseidon
and the sounds of water rushing against the tide
a wake up call just in case you missed the metaphor 
it's all right here in the third eye my own personal treasure 
reflections from the other side
when sand, sea and lies collide 
and it hasn't rained since the climate change naysayers 
spit directly into the wind
So I'm out here trying to find an umbrella 
but I'll settle for one rational thread that will give me a pass 
on what was written and believed to have been said 
or the misinterpretation of everyones fate
and I've always been told it's never too late - to ask for help

Chris Matthews throw me a life line
you are the only one that can pull the nation in
when everyone else relies on the bend in the road
or the guy in the hat who will cast the first stone
who boldly claims to have lived without sin
and the Svengali's are telling us - now, never, sink or swim

And all I can do is think about you and that's gotta count for something

Chris Matthews throw me a life line
you are the only one that can make the nation grin
when everyone else relies on the bend in the road
or the guy in the hat who casts the first stone
who boldly claims to have lived without sin
and the Svengali's are telling us - now, never, sink or swim

© 2015 TrilbyYates 

Burn Out Blues And Bust

Organic moon light heart pounding brilliance 
bursting from the seams
slipping from the sidewalls of a passion pit
Fumbling for the remote control
flip the switch from brilliance to boredom... 
And some where out there is the second coming 
of my redemption
The second coming of a new day 
with promise and intention
Lasting longer than a flash in the pan 
lime light first blush of love
Smiling from ear to ear Cheshire cat grin 
that gives nothing away
But a clear image of a pure ecstatic inner 
love lust glow

Because I know some things 
are worth waiting for 
even if the odds are in favor 
of burn out blues and bust

But I'm a romantic at heart 
bleeding from old wounds
and the side effects of too many 
sleepless nights
Wandering around my apartment as if 
the secret to a loving life
is hidden in the slow pace of walking 
from room to room
The creek in the floorboard is a sure sign 
I'm not alone
That a brighter day awaits right outside my door

Because I know some things 
are worth waiting for 
even if the odds are in favor 
of burn out blues and bust 


© 2015 TrilbyYates

Aura Of Decadence

There is no time like the present
Keep one foot in the here and now
While the other dangles freely – wind beneath
One hand waves farewell to new comers
The other tips the head waiter with a smirk
Wooden nickels hold a value in this Land of Oz
Like souvenirs at a carnival - children smile
And even though this ghost ship is half empty
Like the champagne glass resting peacefully - aura of decadence
The heart cannot let go of dreams and visions
Plans left incomplete, anniversaries come and go

I will follow…
                  In time,
                              in bitter sweet time ~ 


© 2015 TrilbyYates

The Loop Affect

Walking toward the morning sunrise

...Red sky at night a sailors delight
Red sky in morning sailors take warning...

Secluded shore covered in a blanket of
Sand and stone…
Seashells and colored sea glass
Tossed playfully to and fro
While footsteps are quietly washed away
No remnants left behind
An emotional tide of highs and lows
A continuous loop

Summer, winter, spring and fall… 

© 2015 TrilbyYates

Pupils Dilate

An inherited trait 
flippant off the cuff 
snap and shuffle 
move to the other side 
without consequence 
or confusion 
The mind is clear 
and sharp 
but the heart 
like a rebellious child 
continues to skip 
to its own count
And not even with 
brighter days ahead 
will the path change 
or shift the tide 
once the stone is etched 
- because the sword 
always cuts within 
a fine line of what 
is fair and just 
There are no second chances 
for the wise guy or his side kick
 
Subtleties fall like petals 
of a loving gesture 
from long ago
Slow-mo flash dancer
carries an attache
full of fake mustaches
and sunglasses
Perfected disguise 
for the boarder patrol 
to turn a blind eye
pretty Mae West doppelganger
...You smile and we know
A slight glance connecting
to the other side 
a strangers eyes 
shallow and well hidden 
The image is a tactic 
applied with reluctance 
Hushed tone finger to lips
- you never let them see 
your pupils dilate 

I whisper inside out 
with added hope 
that you will hear me 
and pray you won't 
Left handed back slap 
glass tips wine spills 
dripping drops with 
a methodical sequence 
onto the tiled floor 
...and the count is off 
but the heat is on 
I see you sitting 
in the shadows
back table candle motive
shimmering light burns
Black shades drawn 
slick hat slightest tilt 
just enough to lay claim
your trade marked look;
just enough to rattle the cage
keeping me on off guard
intentional shove 
tap on the shoulder
always letting me know - a reminder

Subtleties fall like petals 
of a loving gesture 
from long ago
Slow-mo flash dancer
carries an attache
full of fake mustaches
and sunglasses
Perfected disguise 
for the boarder patrol 
to turn a blind eye
pretty Mae West doppelganger
...You smile and we know
A slight glance connecting
to the other side 
a strangers eyes 
shallow and well hidden 
The image is a tactic 
applied with reluctance 
Hushed tone finger to lips
you never let them see 
your pupils dilate 
you never let them see
your pupils dilate

© 2015 TrilbyYates
 

Cherished Memento

Taking a long deep 
beautiful breath in
Slowly accepting it,
gently holding it...
A cherished memento
Until the capacity 
of my lungs - fill
Feeling the pressure,
the build up,
the freedom,
and the release 
of all that has 
held me back;
kept me in my own
self imposed sanction
Long insightful walks 
down stone streets
City lights bounce 
and reflect from
subject to object
Shimmering affect 
like a pebble to water
dropped into the Fiume Arno
Rippling outward
without limitation
Image and vision
The imagination 
has no boundaries
My sense of compassion
and love;
my sense of wanting 
to explore 
and experience
- everything
Simply walking 
the streets at night 
Taking in all 
that is generously,
unconditionally offered 
Fills my heart 
Opens me up 
to all that is possible 
All that once
appeared dark 
now has a light 
shining with brilliance
Chasing away 
insecurities, fears
-  reluctance 
A smile from a stranger
Beautiful faces 
and engaging eyes;
meet, connect and hold
gently hold the moment 
like a treasured cherished memento

© 2015 TrilbyYates

Light and Dark

Light and Dark 

(from Windows Of The World 2001, by T. Yates) Complete Piece

Heart aches uncontrollably
I feel very lost
So much of what we knew is in rubble
People pass by with hollow eyes –
They shudder too often without warning
I flinch and hold my breath when an airplane fly’s overhead
Sirens scream and recreate that ghastly moment –
Flashbacks and denial walk hand in hand as if familiar lovers
How does one get beyond such a monumental tear? 
The sound of an intentional ripping is heard in every corner of this city
Where is the dark and light, the tall and short of it all? 
We always played in the shadows – light and dark, our comrades
Now we have nothing to depend on, except uncertainty

To my left is a firehouse
My eyes overflow
I don’t hide my sadness
The candles flicker in the dark
Illuminating the stars and stripes
Our brothers, our sisters, their pictures – 
Images of life gone by, while others remain
Leaving powerful love notes taped to the windows
Begging their God to be kinder next time around

A priest passed by me 
With the arms of the firefighters 
Carrying his presence to the alter
His head fell in an amazingly peaceful pose
His face gentle and calm
A hallow of dust floated around his head like a sorrowful crown
His Rosary still in hand
Angel’s wings in full flutter guiding the soldier
Taking him home

A few months later...

Some of the babies have been born
Bitter sweet rejoices are heard around the world
As cries of innocence take their first hard gasp of breath
The child cries in all of us as it did when the band stopped 
Playing our favorite songs in 1993
The songs repeat and fade in our minds - twirl and dance
In our desperation, we instinctively and frantically 
Reach out to hold the tune close 
As it slips away again in 2001
Our hands linger in mid air for endless moments
Questioning continually questioning...

It’s our dance
Our two-step
The footings never change –
The dark and light of it will lead the way
We will faithfully follow
The blind leading the blind
We will listen as the mute speak for the deaf
The lame take their first steps

Our eyes could have been eternally shut
Voices never spoken
Our cries never heard 
We could have crawled on our bellies 
Out from under the rubble…
We were carried, we walked
We helped one another
We stood in the choking cloud of destruction 
And came to meet the dark
Face to unknown face
Walking in the direction of the beaming light

A beacon in the mist 
Of our own clouded memories
Instantly became clear
As if a God had reached out 
And sent all of us the same map –
Directions to a brighter future
All accepting unconditionally without question
The sheep being led to greener pastures
We walk with our hearts pinned to our sleeve
And share a battered sense of unity...

Trilby Yates, September 2001



© 2014 TrilbyYates 

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Geographically Undesirable

The rain is falling
wind is singing songs
beyond the dunes
Dark clouds form overhead 
and the waves have 
kicked up a notch;
perfect back drop 
for a romantic at heart
pinned with dedication 
to my worn out sleeve
I walk barefoot in the tide
emotion and passion
rush in pulling at my vulnerabilities 
But don't get me wrong 
I'm not complaining,
or ready to bag the ideology 
Naivete pure and innocent 
somewhere out there 
beyond the horizon, 
beyond the geographically 
...undesirable tag -
Burning sage 
and lighting candles
dancing under a full moon
Whispers vibrate hidden stories;
secrets shared but never told
And I continue blind faith
and wounded glory
not for the weary or fainthearted,
that somewhere out there
value isn't measured in miles
and sparks will fly outside the radius
imaginary lines drawn in the sand
Somewhere out there 
beyond the horizon, 
beyond the geographically 
...undesirable tag -


© 2014 TrilbyYates 

Love Chanting

Summer sun 
short circuit 
cuts directly 
from my brain 
to my heart
eyes close
and I can see
...a clear path  - to you

Each ray 
that shoots 
across the bow 
of this 
magnificent vessel 
mind and spirit
carrying with it 
a message
...of love - to you

Chanting with the tide 
full moon is on the rise

Goddess of Love
Goddess of Light

                                                               photo by TYates


© 2014 TrilbyYates 

One Step, Two Step

"Walking down Canal street,
one step, two step
knocking every door
one step, two step couldn't find a whore ..."
Double Dutch
jump rope rhymes
play that beat baby
keep the rhythm
keep the time...
And I know you know
I still have your drum set
and play louder 
and harder everyday
just to prove a point
of least resistance
it's a doable existence
I often wonder
what would you think
what would you say - if anything at all
No question there is still life
in this spirit of mine
even though the game changed
I feel - this is a new sensation -
like a fish out of water - at times
I have always been a fast learner
with little frustration
I own the right to travel the road
with the wind in my face
and there isn't a trace
of regret or remorse
And a rhythm I learned on the street
R&B soulful sound
is in my blood so profound
a flowing beat
that never lets
the inner self stop moving
the temperature rises 
I feel the heat
I'll bang away 
bang until the light of day
sticks to skins
cymbals vibrate
all that reminiscing
won't go to waste  - you taught me well
And you of all people
knew I always had a thing
for drummer boys - still do
now with eyes wide
and an open soul
every note counts
like the steps of AA
Rosary in hand
I continue to pray - to whom I don't know - 
And although my only addiction
is a desire for truth and happiness
with many a detour along the way - I admit
I breathe for lessons still to be lived and to be learned
and oh so many bridges never to be burned - that would be such a waste
So as I play and drift far, far way
as if there is this magical place...and I believe there is
The music holds for me - like a lover
in a different way
as words are my weapon of choice
but in this zone
it is a master of its own
space and time slip away
and all night long I play and play... 

© 2014 TrilbyYates 




 

Reluctantly Fade Away

Waited past midnight 
for stones to be tossed 
on my window pane,
Til the Sand Man 
made his way 
sending me on an alternative 
journey ~
Mr. Goodbar 
took my hand 
leading me to dreams 
of another
kind...
Singing lullabies 
with fingers crossed 
and a wink of transparent eyes...

You - reluctantly fade away ~

Early morning light, 
rays shinning through 
cracks shades drawn...
They spoke 
in hushed tones 
of old and new 
as if you had been 
mislaid,
Only I knew 
of your true demise 
and your favorite 
hiding places~
Their veracity and rhetoric 
suffocated you 
to the core,
With secret ties 
and swaying lies, 
clutching hands 
like a deceptive
lover...
Some bonds 
are never broken, 
easily...
hearts and spirits untamed
We would kiss 
in filtered shadows, 
hiding from the storm...
As the grains of sand 
unknowingly slipped 
beneath our feet
Yours and mine, 
entwined promises - 
slit of the wrist 
our blood
mingles
Lovers in the night ~
And time is of no value 
in a world indulging
illusive rants 
and raves
While outside, 
looking beyond 
the golden gates and
high walls...
I wonder,
Do you remember me
...more thought 
than question posed...
Touching deep, 
a bullet lodged 
in the left side 
of your brain
You were 
an easy target 
with an X 
conveniently 
marking the spot
"...taking a breath now,
...is like a dagger's jagged edge..."
"...never cutting clean through..." 
your whispered words 
subside
I miss your smile - 
corners taped 
with glimmering hope
the naivete 
in your eyes
now glazed over 
and gray
A permanent reality 
has been fit 
to an inconsequential mold -
And you no longer 
really exist...
...and...I

I - reluctantly fade away ~ 

© 2014 TrilbyYates 

Our Worlds Collided

This time of the year 
comes around 
sails full 
and heart strings pull 
....which way do I lean 

A hard wind blows 
and I still don't know 
how to live this life 
...in the darkness

Candle light seeps 
through veins of hope
and the night dances 
on and on 
off in the distance
a familiar song
sings sentimental 
harmony
I recall the tiniest of detail
emotional tides turn
memories burn
even though 
...the flames have faded 
yet I continue to dream
of a Newport scene
when our worlds collided... 

© 2013 Trilby

Angel Dove

Romantic sunset 
slips 
into the abyss 
another 
solitary slumber 
while the man 
in the moon 
rises 
to the occasion 
off in the distance 
love shadows 
clarity 
never coming 
into full view 
star light 
star bright 
lost on the wishes 
of the night 
all that matters 


Heaven above 
baby's breath 
angel dove...

 

© 2013 Trilby

Red Balloon

Hiding 
from the quiet 
stillness 
that comes 
from hanging low 
off the grid 
moonlight shoots 
rays of sadness 
into my veins 
slow drip 
enthusiastic recollection 
skipping stones 
across the Sound 
echos 
back at you baby 
there is no time 
quite like now 
yesterday 
is layered in a haze 
and tomorrow 
holds promises 
like a sieve 
pessimistic anti Christ 
shatters 
optimistic hopes 
for a glance 
backward into the fog 
clarity is a dream state 
that follows me 
around 
like a red balloon 
without translation ~

© 2013 Trilby

Glowing In The Wind

Looking away 
from the coast 
line drawn 
in the sand 
off in the distance 
flat beat 
of another song 
leaves me 
breathless 
hope 
is an addiction 
that bleeds 
ambivalence remains 
with choices made 
walk away 
or glide 
fly high 
or dig in 
depth of despair 
is a drag
old wounds 
don't heal 
they just gradually 
fade away 
when the time 
is right 
unstructured texture 
colors glisten
and life
is no longer
a candle
glowing in the wind... 

© 2013 Trilby

Starting Over

Starting over
100 nights
no sleep for the restless
when the weight 
of my entire life 
is packed up 
in card board boxes 
duct taped and labeled 
slipping into a comma 
of lost and found  
delirium is a slow buzz 
hang over 
quietly scanning 
empty rooms remains 
less and less 
of a thrill 
there isn't any sense 
of calm or reprieve 
only moments 
of panic 
scrambling for RX 
Xanax 
the world view
cameo appearances
in a cheap B flick
box light sparks ignite
another short in the wiring 
and tomorrow feels 
like a slow burn 
flaunting hopes 
like a white flag of surrender
what wasn't gained 
last life
hasn't completely 
passed from view
or just another fly by
hit and run
second chance
at starting over... 

© 2013 Trilby